


Grow Up

by TheGirlInTheBlackVeil



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Autism, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:24:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10611081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlInTheBlackVeil/pseuds/TheGirlInTheBlackVeil
Summary: Merlin proposed shortly after Gwen and Lance's wedding, Arthur needs to grow up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance because I'm in a bad mood and a lot of pain (still not sure why my joints are acting up). Found out if I get less than 90% on my exam tomorrow (the same one I haven't even finished the readings for) my average will not be high enough to do an honours thesis and without that I don't get to go to grad school. So, yeah, sort of feeling like I just ruined my future and it's too late to do anything about it so I took it out on my favourite characters.

#  **_Grow Up_**

  


Arthur stands in a corner, away from the action but still watching Merlin and his sister, drinking an orange juice because he didn’t like fizzy drinks and couldn’t have alcohol, not that he had liked any of the alcohol he had tried. He’d been here for three hours already and wanted to go home but Gwen and Lance had driven him and they were still celebrating, it would be rude to ask if they could leave yet. He’d take a bus except none of them came out this far, he had checked. He sighs and finishes the last of his juice, contemplates going back to the tables lining the sides of the banquet halls to get a refill, maybe a snack, but he isn’t really hungry or thirsty and doesn’t want to have to fight though the crowd and talk to people again, besides, he needs to watch his waistline, he’s eaten enough today due to stress. The stress is caused by the people, surprisingly Arthur recognizes most of them. He doesn’t like crowds in general, it’s worse when they all want to talk to him. Those that don’t know him ask him if he’s all right, why he’s sulking in the corner, tell him to join the party. Those that do know him try to over compensate, invite him to join them, smiles too wide, voices too high, ask him if he’s all right, he can’t stand their pity.

One of the only people he’s ever been able to feel comfortable with was Merlin. Merlin didn’t treat him like he was made of glass, didn’t make him feel different, but knew he couldn’t always be treated like everyone else, knew when to back off and give him space, knew never to touch first. He’d been proud of himself for being able to hug Merlin, to bump hips with him, to lean on him while they were playing video games, waiting for Morgana to get ready. Merlin would listen to him rant about things he probably had little interest in, actually contributed to his conversations about Harry Potter and Doctor Who and Sherlock. Even when Arthur forgot to ask the customary, _How are you?_ s and the _How was your day?_ s and would talk about himself and his interests for far too long Merlin didn’t seem to mind, wouldn’t sigh and tap his foot like his father, wouldn’t pull out his phone like Morgana, wouldn’t half listen while doing or thinking about something else like most of ~~his~~ Morgana’s friends.

Arthur loved stories, lived in his head most of the time. He was really obsessed with Harry Potter and Doctor Who because with magic and the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver anything was possible, and with Sherlock because he could pretend that he was Sherlock, that he didn’t fit in because he was super smart and everyone else was dumb in comparison. So he often created his own stories around those he loved, he could be a student at Hogwarts, the Doctor or his companion, or the great Sherlock himself. The people in his life got incorporated into his stories, when he was little Morgana often played the villain (who was he kidding, she still was the villain, their father had also joined that category) but when he met Merlin, well, Merlin was always his love interest. His companion, his John, his Hermione (even though he doubted Merlin wanted to be compared to a woman he suited Hermione the best because he was supper smart and kind but he could get his priorities messed up).

Arthur shakes his head after a few minutes having become lost in a fantasy where he and Merlin have to go down to the Chamber of Secrets to steal the Basilisk fangs and the resulting kiss. He frowns, wishes he could be home again, digs his nails into his palms and tries not to cry. _It’s not fair_ but then again nothing in Arthur’s life had been fair. It hadn’t been fair that he struggled so hard in school but still only managed to have average marks. Wasn’t fair that after Uncle Gorlois had died Morgana had come to live with them and that she was loved more, given more attention than Arthur had from _his_ father. Hadn’t been fair that he was always picked last for sports teams or group projects. Hadn’t been fair that he had suffered from depression for years before his father finally admitted there might actually have been a problem. Hadn’t been fair that his father thought his life could be fixed with a few pills, that he didn’t need a counsellor because his life was perfect, it was only a chemical imbalance. Hadn’t been fair that when the pills weren’t enough and Arthur was finally old enough to take himself to a psychologist that he had been diagnosed with high functioning autism. Hadn’t been fair that when he told his father all his hard work had been for nothing, his father decided then and there he would never be fit to run the company had turned his eyes to Morgana instead. Wasn’t fair that he lied to them all and that Morgana was actually Arthur’s younger half-sister.

Morgana really shouldn’t have been the villain in his stories. Not after she turned out to be a victim too. Not after she had given Arthur a home when his father demanded he move out, claimed he was twenty-four and too old to be living with his father, autism be damned. He couldn’t handle the higher paying jobs, because they required a higher education that caused him too much stress or frequent interaction with others. His disorder wasn’t obvious enough for strangers to be lenient with him, accept the fact that he was flawed, but it was severe enough that others got the sense that something was _off_ about him, probably figured he came from a rich family and was therefore self-centered and rude, talking only about himself and wanting things done his way or he’d throw a tantrum. So he worked in a factory, making plastics for a living. It was physically taxing, paid more than minimum wage, but nowhere near enough for him to have his own place, which is why Morgana was his saviour. She had transitioned to side kick or companion at one point, it had just been them, alone together, travelling the universe, defeating bad guys, having fun.

Then there was Merlin. He’d been too stupid to see it at first. Morgana was just a kid in his eyes, when she had first moved in their three year difference in age seemed huge, her eleven to Arthur’s fourteen, Arthur had seen her as a baby compared to himself, a young man. It was hard to wrap his mind around the fact that the three years didn’t mean much anymore, that they were both physically adults but she was probably the more mature of the two of them. Morgana, preparing to take over as CEO, tended to leave earlier and arrive home later than he did. She had sent him a text asking him if it was okay if she brought a friend over for dinner. He wasn’t thrilled about it but was in an okay mood so he had let her. He fell in love at first sight. Merlin was beautiful, funny, and kind. Had helped set the table and chop the veg. He didn’t exclude Arthur from the conversation, didn’t glance at him in distrust or act like he was strange. After dinner and the washing up they had all watched a movie together. Merlin laughed at the same parts Arthur did and it made him feel warm inside.

He doesn’t see Merlin again for a few months. When Morgana’s car breaks down he picks her up and drops her home every day. Arthur’s normally just getting up in the mornings and Merlin will accept a cup of tea from Morgana, sitting and talking to Arthur while he eats and Merlin waits for Morgana to finish dressing. After work Merlin often stays for dinner, on the night he picks up dinner, insisting he pay for it (Morgana makes sure Arthur thanks him for it, emphasizing that he’s already doing her a favour and her paycheck is much larger but he wanted to be kind anyway) Arthur’s pleased to find that all his favourites are there. He hugs Merlin that night, before he leaves, realizes that Morgana will have her car back tomorrow so he isn’t sure when he’ll see Merlin again, wants to thank him for dinner, Merlin hugs him back, it feels nice, which is strange because normally he likes the idea of being touched but not actually the being touched part.

It might be because Merlin is a gentleman, seems to treat Arthur and Morgana equally. Talking to them both, hugging them both goodbye, eating dinner with both of them. It’s over a year after Arthur met him, of increasingly frequent dinner and movie nights, of video games and shopping trips together only the two of them as Morgana checks out shoes and makeup and other girly things, a year after Arthur fell in love with him, that Merlin brings Morgana home from a work function and she’s slightly drunk, says hello to Arthur asks if he can handle her, says goodbye to both of them when Arthur says he can, that Morgana pulls him back by the lapels and kisses him full on the lips, and he just smiles. Arthur’s world is swept out from under him. Merlin’s dating _Morgana_ isn’t actually interested in him at all, Arthur was making things up again, thought that they were falling in love when all the while the only reason Merlin even hung out with him was because he wanted to be with his sister.

Morgana had been the villain again after that. The witch who used a love potion on _his_ man. Even Morgana had noticed, asked if she had done something wrong, when he had done the right thing and told her that he wasn’t mad at her (even if he was) she suggested that his depression might be getting worse again (he hadn’t thought so but an increased dose helped the pain a bit). He blamed himself, should have seen it sooner. Morgana was a woman now, going on twenty-three, of course she would date men, and just because Merlin was nice to him didn’t mean Merlin liked him, why would anyone want him? Merlin wouldn’t have even pity dated him, or pretended to like him out of pity because no one knew Arthur was gay. He wished for a miracle, for Morgana and Merlin to break up even though they were obviously both very happy together and if he loved either of them he should want them to be happy, for Merlin to suddenly become gay and love Arthur, in some of his darker fantasies Morgana dies and they bond over it, but those are bad thoughts.

It had been a good run. They dated seven years. In those seven years Merlin was around often and Arthur couldn’t help but fall in love with him a little bit more every day, had clung to the hope that Merlin would love him back. And then some time after Gwen and Lance’s wedding Morgana had come home with a ring on her finger. She was radiant, talking about dresses and flowers and table settings, about _kids_ (that would involve sex and Arthur didn’t want to think about her having sex), and apparently Arthur’s fake smile was enough to convince her that he was happy for her, or at least didn’t care, all the while he was dying.

Now he’s at their engagement party. He wants to go home. Wants to change into something comfortable, listen to some music, dance around like a lunatic as he creates a story where he gets a happy ending. And if he’s too sad or tired to create his own story he can put a DVD into his laptop and watch one of his favourite stories. But that won’t fix anything, will it? Merlin still won’t be his, Morgana and Merlin will still be married soon, there might be kids soon, Arthur will still be alone. His stories might be nice because they make him feel better right away but as Dr. Gaius explained to him in the long run they do more harm than good. A lot of those things in his stories are impossible in real life, he will never have magic and go to Hogwarts, will never meet the Doctor and fly away in the TARDIS, will never be a mastermind like Sherlock, and when he pretends that he can in his stories it makes him want it more and further separates him from the real world. His stories make him hate the real world, the more he hates the real world the harder it becomes to live in it, and he’s created a negative cycle. The more he hates the world the more he escapes to his stories which leads him to hate the world more and while Gaius said he didn’t need to completely stop creating his stories he needs to do it less often, should try to do something in the real world instead, something productive. They had made a list of things Arthur could do, things he could try that maybe he would enjoy, things that were productive like doing the laundry or the washing up or learning how to cook. He had given a few items a shot but they weren’t rewarding, most of them felt like chores, he’d given up. Gaius had taught him mindfulness and gratitude meditation too, but Arthur found he only practiced them when he was anxious.

Even though Dr. Gaius never put it as harshly Arthur knew he was hurting himself. He asked for too much from the world and was disappointed when his expectations weren’t met, when he wasn’t blessed with magic or a visit from the Doctor, when he didn’t get his letter from Hogwarts or even the 100% he wanted. Even though he could distinguish between real and fake, likely, unlikely and impossible, a part of him still yearned. He was hurting, hurting himself, and it was time he stopped.

He was thirty-three, time to grow up. He’d start jogging again, he had enjoyed it once, would help out more around the house, would probably be living on his own soon anyway so he’d better get used to it, he’d learn to cook too. He was okay at drawing, enjoyed it except when it didn’t turn out and he got frustrated that everyone else was so much better, maybe he’d convince himself to take art classes. Maybe he could make illustrations for children’s books, it probably would pay more, surely it couldn’t involve contact with that many people. He’d journal again, write about all the good things that had happened each day, even if it was simply getting the bus right on time or having nice weather. He’d live in the moment, never expecting anything more than each moment, that way if something good happened it would make him happy.

No more stories, time to grow up.

* * *

It will take him awhile to get it right. It hurts at first, putting himself back into the world, not being able to escape to something happier, eventually he’ll succeed. He’ll do his stories in moderation, limit himself to one hour a day, two on weekends, he’ll find his own version of happiness. That doesn’t mean he won’t turn to the very first page of his journal every now and then, won’t shed a few tears over the words _I’m grateful for Merlin, for having been allowed to meet someone so kind. I’m grateful for the stories we made, the adventures we had, the love we shared, even if they weren’t real._

END

**Author's Note:**

> This idea started last night when my mother told me Colin and Katie were dating, I didn't believe her, a Google search later not only confirms that they've been together for seven years but that they are engaged. Is this something we just don't talk about in the fandom so we can all be blindly optimistic or is everyone like me and we just don't know?
> 
> Also if you find any errors let me know as this was just a quick piece and as I said I was in a bad mood so I probably could have done better with grammar and overall sense-making (apparently I'm also making up words now, cool).


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